I'm so glad it's over.

I have not been in the mood for Christmas this year. I don't know exactly why; I've thought about why, but nothing jumps out at me. But here are some strong contenders:

1) We have no snow.
2) I'm homesick, but I don't have a home to be sick for. And if I start thinking about the holidays parent-less, I can't function.
3) I figured I'd get less-than-exciting gifts, and I was right.
4) We cut back on spending this year - that one actually has pros and cons. In the end, I think I cut back. :o{
5) I never did get to spend a day baking for all the elderly neighbors. I might still do it. Next week. Maybe.
6) I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to get done, and feeling pressured and guilty.
7) I KNEW that my in-laws were going to go overboard and I would be left trying to fit the mountain of toys in my house. And they did.
8) A guy from college is in the last stages of ALS, and he and his family have weighed heavily on my heart. I remember our last Christmas with Dad, and it was not an easy time for any of us.
9) I spent a majority of my free time finishing up a craft I sold to my therapist. That was a first - me, walking out with a check from her.

I tried to fake it for my kids' sake and even for DH's sake. I baked half a batch of sugar cookies that never got frosted. DH and son put up the Christmas tree. I let the kids decorate it; the bottom branches looked...like a 3 year old decorated them. DH rearranged them and added the glass balls Christmas Eve.

I went shopping Christmas Eve Day - that was nuts. I needed to get some stocking stuffers for all of us, and I wanted to get another gift for Baby. I don't keep track of what I spend on each kid to the penny, but I try to keep it somewhat fair. I don't think they would care so much now, even though Little Boy thought she had more packages under the tree than he did. But I do not want them to look back somewhere in the future and wonder why Little Boy got a new steam engine, and Baby got a plastic set of kitchen appliances - a fraction of the cost.

Christmas Day. DH and Little Boy got up, then me, then Baby. The kids were so excited. It was nice to see that. They opened the gifts in their stockings, and we ate breakfast. I figured that way, we could have some family time before DH's parents and sister came over. Last year they came before we finished breakfast. The kids finished breakfast, opened all their gifts from us and were playing with their things when SIL called. "When are you guys coming down?" DH told her the kids had just finished opening all their gifts. She tried to hurry us, but I said the kids needed some time to actually enjoy their stuff. So we went down a half hour later. I just knew there was a mountain of stuff next door and I guess I wanted my kids to enjoy some normalcy before we went.

We got there, and his parents and his sister had already exchanged gifts and she had loaded her things into her vehicle. I can't help but feel a bit suspicious. His parents had told us that we were NOT to buy them gifts. We got Granddad a nerf gun to play with Little Boy, and we got
Grandma more memory for her computer. Apparently, my SIL bought DH's parents some big gifts. I cannot figure out what on earth is going on.

DH got an iPod Touch, a fancy wrench, an expensive surge protector, and a game. I got a new crock pot (I asked for), a small baking dish, a dish for baking monkey bread, and a wipe-off calendar for the fridge. I guess it bothers me that there is such a big discrepancy in what they spent on us. And I would bet my SIL got way more than DH.

I know stuff isn't important. And I did get what I asked for. I got the crock pot from IL's and DH got me the two Narnia movies. He also got me two refills for my Xyron. And my Christmas flower arrangement 2 weeks ago. And I know he loves me and does so much around the house. Way more than he should have to. And like Anna reminded me, not everyone has the same love languages.

Is it possible to have all of them? I feel overly needy, or greedy. And guilty. And fat. BLAH!