Anxiety

A friend mentioned that the local Christian school will be looking for a few teachers in the fall, and asked if I was interested. I laughed it off at the time, but by that night I was seriously thinking about it and panicking.

We enjoy homeschooling for the most part. Sleeping in, flexible schedule, being home with our doggie all day, snuggling on the couch together while we do our work. There's none of the stress of getting out the door in the morning, looking for shoes or belts or homework last minute, no packing lunches, no homework and probably most importantly to me is not handing over the care of my Type 1 Diabetic son to someone else.

So as I was in bed trying to go to sleep, I was a bit overcome by anxiety and the next morning took some of my anxiety meds. I haven't taken any for a few years now.

My kids are both a bit shy at first and I cannot help but think of how they would feel in such a new environment. Both struggle a bit with reading and spelling and writing. My son has started to be belligerent about doing certain work. I know the lady who would be his teacher and she's great. So in my mind I was making pro and con lists but it didn't matter - the anxiety was winning.

I mentioned the possibility to my son and I was a little surprised when his tears started falling. He doesn't want to go. I don't want him to be afraid to go, but I do want him to feel confident about going. I realize that they both may have to go through some discomfort and that it could be a good thing for them in the long run.

So I inquired about the openings. And the pay. And the tuition break. And my husband and I started talking about what it would cost us financially for me to teach. I would be paid almost nothing for a huge amount of work and stress. I told him it made me a bit nauseous to think about teaching there.

I'm not going to do it. It would completely change our whole life, and not for the better. I do think at some point I want my kids to go to a school, but not now and not there.

I'm looking at different online homeschool options for next year. It's possible that the kids would do different programs; his needs are different than hers. But they will both be doing something online.

And I have a calm, peaceful feeling about it.

Stinkin' Cinderella

When we turned the page in Boy's reading book I knew there would be trouble. He gets so upset and stubborn about certain things, and I knew that a story about Cinderella would be a trigger. To be clear, the story was about comparing and contrasting the versions of Cinderella found around the world. It took us an hour to get the 20 minute assignment done.

I read the first paragraph out loud, and told him he needed to read the second paragraph. After a long time of coaxing and threatening, he tried to make a deal. He would read it, but he would NOT say "her" name. It took more persuading and finally threatening that he would not play in his baseball game tonight before he gave in. "Do you know how this makes me feel inside? Like everyone will look at me and think I'm dumb." Seeing that I had already sent Girl to her room so he wouldn't feel like she was laughing at him, I was the only one there. "Everyone, who?" He was so angry, and I was so sad. And frustrated, and trying to not get angry, too.

He started reading, inserting "stupid" before Cinderella's name. I explained that he was being disobedient and defiant, and how that wasn't acceptable either. He finally gave in and we finished the assignment just in time for Daddy to get home for lunch. So you can imagine how beat down I felt when I told Girl she needed to come out and do her math and she yelled, "You're so mean!"

I could throw up my hands and send them to public school next year, but that isn't what I really want. I just want them to cooperate a little.

Vent over; back to math and grammar. sigh