Advice to Myself

I asked the question on my Facebook page, “If you could go back in time and give yourself advice as a child, what would it be?”

I was thinking about it after answering questions regarding my childhood and my relationship with my parents. I know my childhood was not all bad; the time I spent playing by myself and with my sister and the few friends I had was healthy. My siblings and I fought, but we also had fun. I remember living in Eagle Lake Manor and riding my bike all the time – good memories. My parents had occasional periods of treating us well; in my mind it’s like seeing speckles of sunshine through the leaves of trees. Just enough sunshine to keep me going forward as a kid. I am so glad I didn’t completely realize or understand as a child how bad it really was.

But I also know that my parents were toxic. One of the main reasons I am in therapy, in fact. I found a book online that I ordered, but haven’t received: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Out of the 34 questions defining a toxic relationship, I answered yes to 28. I think one of the hardest parts of living in such a chaotic home was hiding it from others. I understand it – who wants the world to know what a mess one’s life is? It was unspoken that we didn’t share things with “the outside”. I’m sure people caught glimpses of it, but how would they know they were only seeing the pretty, green, top layer of the scummy pond?

So if I could go back and give myself advice as a child, I would have a lot to say.

· You’re not stupid.
· You’re not fat.
· You’re not ugly.
· You can do amazing things.
. Look for and cling to the good things in your life.
· You’re too smart to cruise through life.
· You’re a great helper, but you are more than a farmhand.
· You are not an adult – be a kid.
· You can relax and be silly in public.
· Who you are is more important than what other people think about you.
· God is more concerned with who you are inside than who you are forced to pretend to be for the sake of others.
· It is not normal for parents to treat you one way in public, and another way in private.
· You deserve to be treated with respect.
· You are a PRINCESS – a daughter of THE KING.
· You do not get bad grades because you are lazy or can’t do the work; you get bad grades because you are BORED.
· You are not your parents.
· Your thoughts and viewpoints are important and deserve to be heard.
· Your feelings are valid; it’s ok to be angry.
· Your frustrations are a response, not a reaction.
· People who make fun of you are mean, you are better than that, and parents are supposed to protect you, not join in.

I wish someone would have swooped in to protect me (and my siblings.) I wish someone had realized how toxic my parents were, and had been healthy and strong enough to confront, counsel, and teach them. I wish my parents had received counsel from people who were not toxic themselves.

I feel like my life is a huge, white canvas, and every person who has ever been involved in my life has placed a painted handprint on me. There are areas on that canvas that are still blank, some marked with happy, light colors. There are other areas that are dark, and saturated and blurred. In the end, God will make it all work together, and the masterpiece will be something beautiful. In the meantime, it doesn’t make sense. It reminds me of this. (CLICK ON THE WORD "THIS".)